On Self-Love, my story

I am still a very firm believer: love gives you hope.

And I also know full-well, that God loves me. My family loves me, and my friends love me. However, I am at that point in life when I am struggling to answer the question of whether I love myself.

Do I love myself enough? Do I need to start loving myself a little more? A lot more?

 

The answer is I am unsure, but my guts tells me 'no.'

 

The next logical question is probably, "When, then, did I lost this practice of self-love? and even worse, siwtched it with self-loath, always heavily criticizing my own habits and amplifying my own wrong-doings? To answer that question, I need to dig a little deeper into my high school years. In tenth and eleventh grade, I was undoubtedly very focused in getting into Engineering school. Prior to entering twelve grade, I stumbled across a girl. My very first love. As I am writing this, I am actually on my fifth day of moving on from the relationship, from my past. But I will get to that a little later. Back to my point. I think that was why things went a little downhill. Although I think that love saves you, it also destroys you. Loving someone too much (and expecting some things in return) kills. It did to me, at least. On some level, I still thought that I deserved a little more love in return, after all that we'd gone through. I am here now, and I want no regrets, so I am just trying to move on without grudges. I long for peace.

As you may see at this point, I constantly say that I am "unsure." I am never sure. I think that is where I started to lose communication with myself: the moment when loving someone else was my sole focus. Even worse, it felt like my decision to make her my sole focus. I lost interet in things that I liked, in friends (certain ones) that I used to hang out with. She was my everything. I was so dependent on her. Though we shared the same interests, we did not hold a common ground. She didn't have similar viewpoints on love and commitments as I do. It did not feel like she showed her devotion at times. And as a matter of fact, I always felt like I had met her at more than half way. It was exhausting, and boy, was I praying for the strength to let go. I have let go, and so much more strength is needed now. Because when I am not in my right mind, I start to overthink. I start to blame. Not just her, but me. I start to think of all the wrong things, all the myseries. And I think of things that could have gone right, but didn't. You know, we both know, actually, that these things kill. It kills.

So right now, as I am identifying all these things that are not helping me move on, I write my thoughts down. Because as much as it hurts, I am convinced that the future looks brighter. I am convinced that the Lord has not given up on me, that my friends haven't given up on me. I am convinced that I can still make up for all the time I have spent away from not communicating with myself. I am trying hard to just not solely act on how I feel, but to also take what my brain thinks into account. In the future, I hope to allign the two once again. I see it coming, when I am happy, and back on track. When instead of stumbling, I will be walking. And I fully believe that this will all be done in God's grace and strength. I pray for his help, forgiveness and mercy everyday. I also pray for her. I pray that God keeps her safe and companied as He does to me, that He protects her.

With that said, I think that I am ready to fully commit to moving on, and restoring my relationship with God, my family, my friends and myself. I am commited to move forward into better days, hopeful ones, joyful ones, when I don't just feel like gasping for air. I am determined to do whatever it takes in order to get there, keeping in mind that the pain that I am going through is, in fact, temporary.

I am ready and I look forward to what God has in store for me.